Alright – so before I begin this blog there is something that you need to know about me.
I am a freaking “try hard” – like – not in the “look at her making a humble but strong effort towards self betterment” good way either.
I am a try hard, in the worst sense meaning I have all of the dislike-able traits of someone who is constantly “trying, very hard”: I am a know-it-all, workaholic, perfectionist, who despite knowing better IS concerned what others think of me.
AND – I am also super stubborn; dead-set on hitting THE STAR ( not landing amongst them ) … almost to the point where my determination to be a smashing success ( at something ) is incredibly annoying to other people.
– it was around this time last year, that these qualities about my self finally became apparent to me and, how else should I say this?, I finally understood why almost nobody found me like-able.
However, despite knowing this about my self ( for over a year ) it has taken me up until JUST NOW – to come out of my “try-hard” closet and publicly admit this about myself without shame.
You see; for the most part – I like who I am ( despite being occasionally insufferable ) – and I believe that if I keep on; keeping on in the direction I am heading, I will achieve my goals in spite of the fact that even then ( when I do ) I still won’t be particularly like-able.
In fact the only thing about this realization; that has made me change anything about my self is the perpendicular realization that I should really just finally OWN it.
Because, I feel, like so many of us do – I have been holding a lot of my me-ness in / withholding my “authenticity” *barf, gag* in order to deliver a more palatable version of “Brandie Peters” that people can actually stomach.
The problem with this is, I hate this, it is not fun, it isn’t working, and the type of people that it attracts into my life ( to put it plainly ) are not compatible with “me”.
By withholding my true self from the world ( and watering down my everything ) I have made myself; dull and un-shiny – and if at all possible, even MORE UN-Likeable. ( If that is even possible )
And honestly, for a good part of the last year I have been trying to concoct some sort of master plan where I get to hop out from behind a curtain; pull off this “water-down me-ness” disguise and shout SURPRISE! Fooled yah all! This is who I REALLY am – and do it in a way that doesn’t cost me anything.
But here’s the thing;
That won’t be possible.
It is NOT possible to reveal your true try-hard self to the general public and have it just randomly accepted by everyone; because ( here’s a secret ) none of us – who appear in our unfiltered version WILL ever – be fully acceptable to the general public.
Unfiltered and unmasked people are absolutely terrifying creatures.
So rather I have prepared my self for the opposite; knowing that in my case – a full unveiling of my me-ness / true self to the world will in fact cost me things like; instagram followers, email subscribers, fake Facebook friends, and the burdening weight that comes with trying to be a more palatable version of your self just so that you can hide amongst the general population.
It’ll unfortunately cost me all of these things – but hopefully also earn me the freedom to do more of the things that I want – and less of the things I hate; and move me ( and my human body vessel ) in the right direction towards whatever it is that the universe has in store for us.